Since i was a kid, my parents always said to me,
"Be nice to everyone if you want everyone to be nice to you"
"Kindness is a key of happiness"
Being so little, i believe in those words, and i keep holding it since then. However…
"Hey, if you don’t want teacher to get mad at you for being late, why don’t you walk under me so i won’t tell her?"
“okay….”
day by day….
**in elementary school**
“ Hey why don’t we both write a letter to him and then you gave it to him? I’m too shy for giving
it myself. Please you are my best friend…”
“ okay……”
Little by little…..
“Oh good look, she is the one who give the letters to you. Not only one but two? What does she think of herself? Popular girl?”, boy one.
“Oh…no… its from my friend, she ask me to…”
“Pervert!!,” boy two.
“Pervert! Pervert!,” random boys.
“They called me that because of that letter. Would you explain it to him?”
“Eh? Why don’t you explain it to them by yourself? Both of you are classmates, its more easy,” girl friend.
“But it is you who…”
“Hey! Let’s play together!” random girl.
“Okay! Hey Lia, she is calling me. She is my best friend you know. Make sure you tell him okay?,” girl friend.
“Okay….”
“Who stole the money? Who did this?” teacher.
“Its Lia! We saw her did that,” random classmates.
“No…its not me…its…”
“Lia…help me…,” classmate.
“It is me,”
“Stand on the corridor for the whole morning until I ask you to come in”, teacher.
“hahahahahahah” classmates.
Years by years….
*in high school*
Girls : (gossiping) I can’t believe she went up to our class. She isn’t that smart after all.
Girls : Even that simple question she doesn’t even know how to answer. Dumb girl.
Girls : What she even doing here? I don’t want to talk to her, she is annoying.
MC : (distress-looked at Girl 1)
Girl 1 : (sniffed-looked away-talked with other girl)
MC : its…okay….
MC : (put a scarf at the rack)
Some girl come and push the scarf down to the water abbey.
MC : (wear the wet scarf)
Girls : Look at her? doesn’t she feel shamed? (laughed) she didn’t know what is shame…
Girl 2 : Are you okay? who did this to you….
MC : its okay….(smiled)
Even until I went to college….
Girls hide laptops from MC. MC cries for days….
Girl 3 : we just want to make fun of you. You are fine with it arent you?
MC : its okay…(smiled)
Girl 4 : Don’t worry about her, even we do anything to her she won’t get mad after all…
Girl 5 : She doesn’t have a feelings after all..
Girl 6 : Arent you mad?
MC : No..im okay….
It goes on and on for years, I didn’t even realize its slowly killing my emotional behavior…until one day…
Girls : You are avoiding yourself from us. Have we done something for you? (angry)
MC : because you guys were talking behind my back. and you guys keep sarcastically talks to me and I don’t like that.. Beside I don’t want to argue with you guys, its better I avoid you guys for a while.
Girls : Oh really? Aren’t you realize you are being over sensitive? Why now then, should you apologize to us and never did this to us again? We are friends right?
Boy : Which one who you choose me or him?
MC : (shocked) I didn’t want to choose anyone. Both of you are my friends…I love my friends. I don’t want to hurt both of you…
Boy : (angry) are you doing this because you don’t want to get hurts?
Boy : You said, you don’t want to hurt others because people will do the same with you. What if I said, you doing that because you don’t want yourself to be hurt? For me you are being so selfish.
MC : (shocked) I didn’t say it was like that..
Boy : It’s the same….you don’t even know yourself. Why don’t you take your time and find who you are. And remember it’s your fault we get in fight because of you!!!
My parents once said, if you want people to be nice to you, and then be nice to them. I always remind to myself, its okay, ill be okay if I be nice to them, I will be happy.
Those words ive been keeping with me all the time shattered away words by words. I just realize, no matter how nice you are to other people, no one will ever repay your kindness back to you.
Where did I go wrong? Thus being nice to other people, the called me selfish?
I am completely loss. I didn’t know who I am anymore. What is wrong, what is right anymore?
My body completely falls into darkness, suffocating in every breath I breathed, numbness all over my body. Not knowing if I able to get out from this anymore.
This little bit of kindness were once my strength are now my weakness…..
I just wish…. i….can died……from this painful pain…..
or
Probably someone will come and bring it away from me……
How I wish…..
This weakness of mine will become my strength once more…
To climb back to the light which once have clouded my days with hazy darkness…